Of all the questions asked on websites or in other publications about personality type, this is probably the most common. It's certainly the one I've seen the most! There seem to be almost as many supposed type - related keys to a successful marriage as there are type preferences. For instance some people say Introverted and Extraverted types are best together. Others say that two people should have the same middle two letters and that their other two letters should be opposites, as in the pairing of INFJ and ENFP.
The purpose of the MBTI personality assessment is not to tell us what we should do or with whom, but to give us tools and help us develop attitudes that will lead us to success wherever (and with whomever) we may find ourselves. It does this by helping us get to know ourselves and what we really prefer, and teaching us how to get an idea of other people's preferences so we can better relate to them. Perhaps one of the greatest examples of the truth that we can be successful at any endeavor can be found in the lives of the MBTI assessment's creator and her husband. Their type preferences? INFP and ISTJ.
Isabel McKelvey Briggs, creator of the famed MBTI tool which has changed millions of lives, was born on October 18, 1897. In 1915, about a month into her freshman year at Swarthmore College, she attended a dance/reception where she met Clarence Gates Myers, usually known as "Chief", who was then a junior. Born on May 25, 1894, he ultimately became a lawyer and married Isabel on June 17, 1918. Thus began a happy marriage which lasted until Isabel's death from cancer on May 5, 1980. 1
In the early 1940s, when Isabel had made progress with her "people sorting instrument", she concluded that her husband had ISTJ preferences, since her description of this type sounded so much like him. She also concluded that her own preferences were for INFP, even though a preference for Thinking was often visible in her and praised. Assuming her conclusions were correct, Introversion was the only preference they had in common.
The eleventh chapter of her book Gifts Differing, Palo Alto, Calif.: Davies - Black Publishing, 1980, available on Amazon.com and required reading for all type aficionados, focuses on type and marriage. On p. 123 Isabel had this to say about marriage to someone of a mostly opposite type.
...such a marriage should be undertaken with full recognition that the other person is different and has a right to remain different, and with full willingness to concentrate on the virtues of the other's type rather than the defects.
Much later in life, Isabel would say that Jung's theory and Katharine's bringing it "down to everyday life" preserved the happy marriage of an ISTJ (Chief) and an INFP (Isabel), who had only their introversion in common.
So there you have it! People who are total (or almost) opposites can be happily and successfully married. But it surely wasn't easy! What was their secret?
The key to Chief and Isabel's happiness seemed to be their attitude toward their differences. Rather than finding their differences annoying, they chose to find them interesting. They opted to have and keep a positive attitude toward them and maintain a sense of humor.
For instance, Isabel lacked skills in both cooking and housekeeping. But instead of being frustrated by Isabel's style (or lack thereof) of housekeeping, Chief was able to look at this as an indication that she was doing things more important to her. By focusing instead on that angle he was able to keep these differences from bothering him too much.
One of the accommodations they made to the differences in their working and sleeping habits was to have separate bedrooms, which was quite confusing to a fourteen - year - old grandson who lived with them briefly. But it worked for them. In general, her single - minded devotion to her work on the MBTI tool did get on his nerves at times. But as he and Isabel grew older and saw their health deteriorate and friends pass away, they were able to focus on how lucky they were to still be together.
Life was no piece of cake, so they had to choose to be grateful for the good things. Besides experiencing pain as their health declined, there had been problems such as their children's divorces and other family issues, the worst of which was the unexpected death of their beloved daughter in 1972. The success of their marriage didn't just happen, as many seem to think it will if they just find someone of the right type. It wasn't just good luck or everything going their way. It took work!
It can also be noted that Isabel's life provides evidence that one's type preferences should not dictate the type of work they do. Her early work on the MBTI tool involved countless hours of what must have been, for an Intuitive, emotionally exhausting work involving countless details. But however tired she might have been, she was successful in producing an instrument which has changed countless lives for the better. While certain types of work may be more enjoyable to people with certain types of personalities, personality type alone should never be used to discourage anyone from doing work they are truly passionate about, as Isabel was about her personality assessment.
So which personality type should you marry? I suspect that a much more important question is what type of personality should you HAVE, in other words what type of person should you BE, before marrying?
On p. 126 of Gifts Differing Isabel wrote:
Even with only a single preference in common, a marriage can be wonderfully good (as I can testify) if the man and woman take the necessary pains to understand, appreciate and respect each other. They will not regard differences between them as signs of inferiority, but as interesting variations in human nature, which enrich their lives...Understanding, appreciation, and respect make a lifelong marriage possible and good. Similarity of type is not important, except as it leads to these three.
1 The majority of the biographical and historical facts in this post are from:
Saunders, Frances Wright. Katharine and Isabel: Mother's Light, Daughter's Journey. Palo Alto, Calif.: Consulting Psychologists Press, Inc., 1991. This is an outstanding book which I highly recommend to all who are interested in personality type. It is available on Amazon.com.
2 Myers, p. 130.